The Joker

It is easy to misunderstand something and to get the wrong message.

I decided to print out a couple of old family photos - bad move at the moment - spent half the time crying over the fact my Mum and Dad had passed; I miss them so much, even at 60! I was/am one of those lucky people who had great parents. They were my friends not just my parents. [Image]
Their wedding anniversary (74) is only a couple of weeks away the same day as Mum's birthday and I know I get sentimental and sad around now. Plus Christmas is coming and Mum passed away then.
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I learn to paint from my Dad, learn to weld, how to lay bricks, strip an engine, change a tyre. From Mum how to cook, from them both how to laugh and live. They raised three girls to be confident women, we were taught to reach for the sky and never accept that we weren't good enough. We were taught there is no such thing as sexual stereotypes and if we wanted to do something that boys do then just do it. When I grew older and my sisters had married Mum, Dad and I would take trips away together and when I eventually married (26) and moved away from home we would talk on the phone each day at least, once if not more, for hours.

I studied engineering for four years and Dad love it; he was an ex Trawler captain and a marine engineer/fitter. I worked in Bush Fire research and did voice over work on documentaries. They supported me each time I changed jobs and continued to support me through the troubles with No.1 son. When I started working again after having the my children and went into working with problem children in schools in Behavioural Integration they supported me again. [Image]

But even with them I was the comic, the clown - hiding things behind laughter my early wall building attempts - but I also had the knack of accepting things - if I could change something I would if I couldn't I wouldn't worry about it. To a point I still have that ability and live that way.

At times my Dad introduce me or referred to me as The Joker and it often made me upset to think he thought of me that way even though that was how I showed myself. He would refer to my elder sister as the Posh Loving One and my middle sister as The Quiet Caring One but me - I was The Joker.

When my Dad was in his final few months he lived at a nursing home - I would visit each day, sometimes reading to him, sometimes talking, sometimes sketching; one day a new nurse came into the ward and he called her over. She said she had met my elder sisters and Dad said this is my youngest daughter, S****** ,The Joker. As usual if felt a little upsetting.

We all talked for a little while and she went off to another room. Then Dad said to me "I wish I could have been like you, all your life you had pain and heartache and yet you laughed and smiled and never let anything get on top of you; you accepted what life threw at you and never let it get in the way. I am proud of you, I envied you that ability. I wish I had understood that sooner, learnt to do it; it is only now, at the end of my life, that I can finally do it."

So The Joker was not as I had thought, I wasn't the comic relief of the family - it was a term of respect and love; I was so glad that he told me before he passed - it meant so much to know his true feelings.

The moral of this tale is I should have asked sooner why he called me that and saved years of anguish. I do so miss them.

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